Now that the Cowardly Broadcasting Service has caved to economic AKA political pressures and cancelled the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, the chances of me ever taking the Colbert Questionert on the air are close to nil (they never were that high to begin with, I’m afraid).

I watched Colbert give many celebrities “15 questions to cover the full spectrum of human experience” designed to “probe deeply into their soul”, daring the subject “to be fully known”, and as enjoyable as each segment is, I kept distracting myself while watching by mulling over what my answers might be. I’ve gotten a little obsessed. Some answers come easily to me, some I am still unsure of even as I type up this blog post. But here goes, today I take the Colbert Questionert.

Because surely, enquiring minds want to know my answers…

Above are the 15 questions. Well, those are the original 15 questions, but over time four of these (numbers 2, 10, 11 and 12) got replaced with new and improved questions.

I will answer the old queries and their replacements. Which means I’ll be giving 19 responses.

Here we go:

1. What is the best sandwich?

Depends on whether it’s breakfast or lunch.

Either way start with a toasted sesame seed bagel.

For breakfast, top it with crunchy peanut butter, sliced banana, and raspberry preserves.

For lunch, top it with cream cheese, sliced vidalia onions, sliced tomato and lox (salmon).

2. What’s one thing you own that you should really throw out?

My dresser drawers and closet used to be overstuffed with a lot of old clothes Ed would urge me to just throw out. Especially the mass of old t-shirts I would never wear again. But then our apartment got flooded and a lot of our clothes got soaked and that did act as a catalyst for me to finally throw out a lot of stuff, especially those old t-shirts.

That said there are probably still plenty of odd items of clothing in my closet I will never wear but that I keep on the off chance I may use them as a costume piece some day.

Unlikely I ever will though.

This question is one of the three that got retired. So I will insert here one of the alternates:

2. (alt) What was your first concert?

Any kind of concert? Or specifically rock/pop concert?

If any kind probably a concert my mother (opera singer Catherine Gayer) sang; I attended many as a child, as she sang in concert halls as well as opera stages. A concert where she sang music from Shakespeare’s time or set to Shakespeare’s text, or both, comes to mind as a vague early memory.

But if we are talking rock/pop concerts, I think the first I attended was when I was 16. It was an open air concert in the legendary Berlin Waldbühne. Supertramp played. A whole bunch of my classmates and I went together with exchange students from Pennsylvania we were hosting. It was a great concert, the band was at its best, not only performing much of the “Breakfast in America” album but 7 of the 8 songs from “Crime of the Century”. (The then just released album “Famous Last Words” got only 4 tracks played – the band knew what their audience really wanted to hear.)

(Clearly if I were on Colbert, most of that answer would get heavily edited before the show airs. But hey, it’s my blog, I can go on as long as I want.

But I promise not all of my answers will be this … discursive..)

3. What is the scariest animal?

Great White Shark.

Not because of “Jaws”, although surely that helps. It’s videos of the great whites breaching the water surface with seals in their mouths that come to my mind whenever I hear Colbert ask this question.

And surely having any apex predator like a lion or bear come at me in the wild would be horrifying, but being underwater and seeing a massive great white come for me would be the most terrifying.

Compared to that, any bug or so gets a shrug. Don’t believe me? Look at the picture of the tarantula right next to my face.

4. Do you prefer apples or oranges?

Oranges.

Colbert would likely sneer at me, because he clearly prefers apples as “you can eat them with peanut butter”.

And that is tasty, and I do like apples, but I like citrus even better, and also find them more consistently tasty. Too many times that I have bitten into a flavorless, mealy apple.

5. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

Once. Just once.

It was at a special advance screening of “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”. It was an all day affair. They screened the first two LOTR films in the morning and afternoon, and then before the evening screening of ROTK, three of the Hobbit actors (Elijah Wood, Sean Astin and Dominic Moynihan – not sure why Billy Boyd was absent) and Gollum himself, Andy Serkis, showed up to talk to the audience, and even mingle with us for a more informal meet and greet.

I just happened to be reading Andy Serkis’ behind-the-scenes memoir “Gollum – How We Made Movie Magic”, and since I’d brought it along to read on the subway and between screenings, I showed him my copy. Serkis was happily surprised and, black magic marker at hand, autographed my copy.

Actually he offered to autograph it before I voiced the request – I was more intent on showing him I was reading his book than anything else – but I was quick to say yes.

I own one or two other copies of books signed by the author, but that is the only one I received with the author affixing the autograph in my presence.

But strictly speaking, maybe I never actually asked someone for their autograph. Huh.

6. What do you think happens when we die?

Ugh. I don’t like having to answer that question.

Because I don’t know. And I believe nobody can really know. I actually think that’s the point. If anything I believe in a kind of paradox that the more we try to define or visualize or otherwise explain the spiritual or the afterlife the more likely we are to go wrong.

I choose to believe in some sort of afterlife because I do believe in something we can call the soul. And if pushed further I’ll say I believe in reincarnation.

An image or metaphor that was described in the final episode of season three of “The White Lotus” keeps coming to mind when I consider this question. something about life being like a drop of an ocean, or separated from the ocean, and when we die, that drop returns to the ocean.

I purposefully paraphrased that poorly – after all I already stated that the more you try to define this stuff the more likely you are to go amiss.

7. What is your favorite action movie?

Among my favorite cinema of all time The Lord of the Rings Trilogy has the most action, and of those films I’d choose “Return of the King” as the best action movie, even though “Fellowship of the Ring” is my favorite of the trilogy.

But, if you insist I choose a film that I would consider first and foremost an action movie – and I would say LOTR is first and foremost a fantasy epic – then I would choose “Mad Max: Fury Road”. Wall to wall (or desert to canyon) the most incredible near-non-stop action ever put to screen. (And yes, also a fantasy/sci-fi film, but first and foremost an action masterpiece.)

8. What is your favorite smell?

Vanilla.

9. What is your least favorite smell?

Coffee.

It actually makes me sick to my stomach.

Yes, there are surely more gross smells out there, but to not be able to go into a Starbucks or any aromatic coffee shop without quickly getting queasy and needing to step back outside is really annoying. Ed has become mindful of holding his cups of coffee away and downwind from me.

Why is this? Ah, anecdote time!

I went to high school in a German/American Community School in Berlin. The German high school system requires you take several years of AP courses where you endure one or two 5 hour exams per semester. Those are monster all-school-day-long exams, and I like most students would arrive in the classroom on test day with butterflies in my stomach. In my AP English class the girl at the desk next to mine would very generously bring in a big pot of strong German coffee to be shared with all of us taking the exam. The coffee odor soon became inextricably linked to that queasy feeling in my stomach before those tests. It’s been decades since high school but there has been no decline in the nausea that I feel when I smell coffee.

The irony is as a child I liked coffee. Tatu would occasionally make me “Kinderkaffee”, half coffee, half milk, lots of sugar, which at least back then Germans would give children to drink. But I stopped sipping that brew when I was a teenager, and by the time I graduated high school, the coffee nausea had set in.

10. Is Exercise worth it?

Yes.

I’m guessing this question got exchanged rather quickly with an alternate, because I have no memory of it being asked, let alone a memory of this question leading to a memorable exchange between Colbert and his guest. I had to go down a YouTube rabbit hole to find an example of Colbert asking it (and the response was quick and obvious and they swiftly moved on).

So let’s quickly hop over to one of the replacement questions:

10. (alt) Do you prefer window or aisle?

On the show this always seems to come down to whether one wants to get to the bathroom without bothering your seat neighbor, or whether one prefers to look out the window.

I really love looking out the window.

11. You prefer your water flat or sparkling?

Flat.

Something about the fizz in sparkling water tastes unpleasant to me and bothers my stomach. Yet I’m okay with the carbonation in soda pop drinks. According to the Google AI, “differences between pure water and the sugars and flavorings in soda pop can affect the bubble size, texture, and how aggressively the drink effervesces”. That difference is evidently what makes sparkling water feel unpleasant to me both in my mouth and my guts.

Yeah, I hate sparkling water and I also hate coffee. What a weirdo!

This is the final original Questionert question to be exchanged for a far more popular replacement:

11. (alt) Do you prefer cats or dogs?

I like dogs. Not gonna say anything mean about dogs.

But no, I prefer cats. No contest.

Probably greatly influenced by the fact that when I was 12, our family got a cat, Patchy, who lived with us for 19 years. Even after I left for college, I remained very much her number one human, with her loudly insisting I put cat food in her bowl first thing every time I returned home. Penance for abandoning her. My freshman year 10 month absence was devastating. She wouldn’t go into my room for six months. Eventually my regular visits home became the new normal.

While I lived at home and whenever I was back for a visit, Patchy preferred my bed at night to all others. Unfortunately once I started coming home with Ed she was locked out of my bedroom, because Ed is allergic to cats. But she forgave me for that too.

I miss Patchy still, greatly. We are soulmates.

12. What’s the most used App on your phone?

This question usually doesn’t make it to the air, but I don’t think it’s been replaced, since the example above with Bruce Springsteen was taped as recently as this Spring.

My answer is pretty boring: most used is the “messages” app, as I read and respond to text messages, mostly from Ed.

There’s probably a good reason this question and the responses generally get edited out. The other portions of the Questionert wind up being just more interesting.

12 (alt) What is your earliest memory?

Falling down a full flight of stairs.

I was around three, or more likely two and a half or three quarters, based on the memory of how short I remember being, and the fact that a baby gate was still being used at the top of the stairs in our two-story family home.

A baby gate that was left open. And I am standing at the top of the stairs.

At the bottom is Tatu, our housekeeper/nanny, looking up at me, clearly worried, and saying “Danny, stay back, don’t step forward”.

But I stepped forward.

And the the world went topsy turvy. I was literally tumbling down the stairs and my perception was of the world flipping up and down and up and down around me.

And then there I was half sprawled, half seated at the bottom step, Tatu rushing to me. I’m staring at the sandal on my left foot, its strap with the little buckle torn clear off the sole.

And somehow my little toddler brain registered that what just happened was so violent it broke my shoe, but apparently not me.

And to this day I am extra cautious when I go down stairs.

13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: What is it?

As Colbert explains every time he asks this, you don’t have to listen to it on endless repeat. It’s just the only song you get to listen to when you choose to listen to a song.

My answer is going to be discursive, yet again.

My favorite song is “Speak Low“. But, there isn’t one version/recording of that song I favor. And my understanding is this is about choosing not just a song but a particular song recording.

In that case I will choose a Beatles song, and even though (gun to my head) I would say “A Day in the Life” is their greatest single song, I would choose “Hey Jude” to be the one song to listen to for the rest of my life. It’s got beautiful melodies for verse and chorus, it’s full of sweet sentiment and comfort, and then it explodes into an exuberant group sing-a-long of joy and optimism and humanity.

It’s intimate and epic, tender and celebratory. If I could ever only listen to one song, “Hey Jude” would be my choice.

14. What number am I thinking of?

42.

So far no one has ever guessed what number Colbert is thinking of, and maybe he always just randomly thinks of some impossible to guess complex number, then swiftly says no to the guest’s guess and moves on, and that’s the gag.

But he does refuse to tell Nicole Kidman what the number was so the next guest won’t know; which implies there is one particular number he has chosen. So, if that’s the case, I’m sure it’s 42.

Well, not completely sure, but I think that’s a really good guess. Based on some semi-solid detective work:

First of all, Colbert is the kind of fantasy nerd who loves “A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, where “42” is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Now watch again his response to Nicole Kidman (around the 8 minute mark). She actually acts out some stereotypical mind reading behavior. Her guess is “4” and Colbert as always dismisses that with a quick “no”. But then she quickly guesses again: “Not 4? 2?”. Colbert’s head snaps “what?” and then he stammers “I’m afraid, I’m a-, I’m afraid we have to move on.”

Maybe I’m reading too much into Colbert’s reaction, but either the number is “2” and he wouldn’t allow a second guess even if it was correct, or – and this is what I believe – Kidman got awfully close by saying both “4” and then “2”, too close for comfort to Colbert’s actually chosen number “42” and Stephen got just flustered enough to let it show.

That’s my theory and until proven otherwise, I’m sticking to it.

UPDATE: Colbert just posted the Questionnaire with Lady Gaga. She first laughed at this questions, saying “I don’t know”, but then she quickly guessed 42. And Stephen said “No”, but then smiled and said “Good answer, though”. So at the very least, he would approve of my theorizing aboe.

It’s still possible he was thin king of 4s when Nicole Kidman guessed, and then changed his number afterwards. Maybe even after reading this blog post. Who knows, could be, I did post originally before his interview with Lady Gaga.

15. Describe the rest of you life in five words in five words.

For some reason I can’t answer that question satisfactorily. There are many responses the celebrities have offered over the years that I would happily copy and paste, but as far as doing my own work and coming up with five words I feel really good about, I would rather just answer:

“I will take the fifth”.

Which is a cop out using a version of the number 5. Clever perhaps, but still a cop out.

For now I will settle on a different reply, one inspired by Doris Day of all people in a Hitchcock classic. Perhaps also a cop out, but one far less snarky than “I will take the fifth”, and certainly philosophical and sincere in its own way:

“Whatever will be, will be”